Ritual of Chaos - Why Do Mages Hate Us?

By: Damian Lampl - 9/18/2009 5:14:44 PM

Why mages hate us
Jealous of the epic mount, are we?

Us warlocks have come to live with the fact that we're Azeroth's outcasts and even pride ourselves in being the demented step-cousins of the world. But what's the deal with mages hating us so much more than any other class? Are they so insecure with their inabilities that they resort to making up stories about us to justify their own shortcomings? Are they that jealous of our control over demons that they summon their own minions thinking we'll somehow be impressed? Are they so ugly that even ogres find them repulsive? Yes. Yes they are.

Mages are Fischer Price warlocks; chat filter automatically enabled.

Back in magic school you're given a choice: be cool or be not cool. What do you think mages chose? Since these words formed into sentences, into paragraphs, into rambling might for some crazy reason attract mages considering they're referenced in the title, you get a hint: they chose to be not cool. You know they WANTED to be cool, but they just couldn't pull it off. They were always in the common area of Dalaran's libraries sipping a conjured glacier water (who drinks water?) while we're downing satyr blood by the gallon and coming up with fifteen different curses on the spot to handle the annoyance of them trying to bribe their way into our demonic circles with lines like, "Hey, guys. I'll.. um.. make you some biscuits and stuff. You wanna hang out?" NO! It doesn't matter HOW good your cinnamon rolls are... wait, are they frosted? STAY FOCUSED!

We're simply dealing with warlock-wannabes who couldn't handle their demons. Come on, water elementals? Ooooh. Scary. Next they'll be putting their conjuring skills to use making stay-puffed marshmallow golems. You so can't beat them in pillow fights!

Speaking of not being able to handle their demons, you know where all the satyrs on Azeroth came from? They used to be imps. That's right, mages aspiring to be warlocks tried summoning those most basic of demons but the imps over-powered them (I know, right? I mean, they don't even cost a Soul Shard) and transformed themselves into the funny-legged creatures we know today. It's the defining stage in a caster's studies known as, "Weeding Out The Pansies," or WOTP, because who doesn't like a meaningless acronym?

In their shame, those apron-wearing muffin men made up excuses for their weakness such as, "He couldn't keep up with my blinking as I was fleeing from that savage level 2 boar," or, "Did you, like, hear what that insensitive little guy, like, said about my beard? I mean, like, plenty of girls prefer not to, like, shave. There's, like, no way I was going to, like, share my croissants with him."

Petty excuses aside, let's go over their spells, shall we?

  • Fire. Well, we can already do that, and not just a stupid little fireball (or stupid not-as-little-but-still-relatively-little fireball). No, we throw down MULTIPLE stupid little fireballs. From the heavens even, as to not singe our grubby little fingertips. We're smart like that, see?
  • Frost. Our naturally charming personality is icy so we've got that covered, too, and our auras reek of cold shoulder (the reek of dead fish you also might be smelling was just lunch).
  • Arcane? How many times can we make fun of their "cooking" skill? Seriously, count them.

Now let's flip it around and go over OUR spells. Summon [demon]. Um, an entity from hell under our control to carry out our darkest whims? Yes, please. Possessing things a la Poltergeist? It'd only be better if they'd puke while their head spins when the soul returns to us. Drain Soul. Wait, wait, wait. Slow down and read that carefully. We. Drain. Souls. Then we keep them as trophies or use them like a cheap tip to a bad waiter in a run-down cafe, throwing them away almost in spite. And last but absolutely not first: Awesomeness. No explanation needed.

Here's what it all boils down to: mages are SO dumb... oh come on; I'm waiting for it here. Still waiting. Fine. You: "How dumb ARE they?" THANK YOU for asking. Mages are SO dumb they... hahaha. Sorry, this is just too damn funny. I'll give it another shot here, seriously now. Here we go, mages are SO dumb they need... LOL, oh, man. I'm crying. For real this time. Mages are SO dumb they need a spell to increase their intelligence. OMFG, ROLFCOPTER, huh? That alone was worth reading this far AND your price of admission. And THAT, friend, is how Drain Life REALLY works. No, really, I'll be here for the rest of the post. Hey, some people like the sound of crickets and this was simply a present to them.

All non-jokes aside, mages are idiots. And we're not talking "Oops, forgot my mechano-hog keys," idiots. We're talking full blown, grade-F Barrens chat lifer idiots. Every Chuck Norris joke? Mage. Every anal [item] link? Mage. Mankrik's dead wife? Mage. Every yeller? Mage. Old yeller? Mage. Every... you get the idea by now I'm sure, yes? Even a rogue could follow that thought train.

In summary, (English teachers everywhere are rolling in their graves at those two words, trust me, but it's ok, they're mages) it doesn't make sense to attempt a comparison between the awesomeness of warlocks and the patheticalnessedlyism (yes, it's a word now) of mages. Dreadsteed envy, anyone? But if there's one aspect that makes warlocks infinitely more awesome than mages and what those arcane junkies would give up their invisibility to obtain, it's green fire. Wait. Never mind.


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